Thursday, September 23, 2010

Herding with Hormones

This whole getting older thing sucks.  Seriously.  Sucks. 

My hair used to be a lovely mahogany.  Now it is a mix of drab brown, shocking white, brassy yellow and ugly.   Last year I decided to quit coloring my hair, because the amount of white in my hair reached a point that when my roots grew in I looked like a skunk. 

Brown Ends + White Roots = Skunk Stripe

Instead of just growing it out cold 'skunky', my colorist encouraged me to go lighter.  "Embrace the Gray" she said.   Mind you this was coming from a tall, thin,beautiful twenty-something blond with long beautiful hair. She recommended we highlight the areas of my hair that have the largest amount of white - in the whitest blond she could make. 

I went from redhead to blond over night.  I freaked out a smidge.  Scared the hell out of myself in the mirror a few times until I accepted that my hair is hideous.

Now with the gray has come this kinky, curly, FRIZZ!  What is up with that?  (I won't mention anything about the kinky hairs that grow in unmentionable places).  Really, what is this?  Some kind of karmic joke? 

I don't have bad hair days.  I have bad hair YEARS!  Now I get to face the rest of my life with frizzy, frumpy, white hair.  Gee, thanks G_d. 

We are rewarded for carrying and birthing our babies, furthering our species....by this?  Just further proof that G_d is a man.  Really.  Think about it.  What other explanation is there? 

My doctor told me last year that I am in early onset menopause and it sucks the giant succubus.  Combined with the gray hair I now have raging hormones from menopause hell. 

This afternoon I went to Fido's with Cindy where we worked in the big field.  She was on one end of the field.  I was on the other.

We were holding the sheep for each other and trading outruns.   Brynn was beautiful.  Just beautiful.  But when it was Beth's turn, things took a dramatic turn for the worse. 

Every single lift, she left a sheep behind.  Ever. Single. Time.  

I tried to help her, but she was blowing me off. 

I started fuming. 

I blamed the damn sheep. 

I blamed the grass. 

I blamed Cindy's dog. 

I blamed the sky. 

I blamed Mercury in retrograde. 

I blamed Beth for putting too much pressure in one spot.  

Then I blamed me.

Then the reality hit me.

I couldnt actually SEE what was happening down the field.  Because it was a big BLUR!  Not only am I turning completely gray, I am fatter than I have been in my life and now I am going blind! 

*FacePalm*

I walked out of the field.  Stood at the gate for a few minutes and talked to myself.  "None of this really matters", "Help my dog", "It is, what it is.", "In the big scheme of things this is a mere hiccup."  All the self talk I have been learning over the past year - yeah, it didn't work. 

I took big gasps of calming breaths.  I thought I was calm...then turned around and tried to look at Cindy working her dog in the field...

...and I immediately burst into tears.  Not just tears, mind you.  Great big hulking sobs.  I COULDN'T SEE THEM!

I am old, ugly, fat, and BLIND!  *SOB(Insert self pity here)

WTF? (insert self pity & anger)

Why was I crying?  Seriously?  Crying?  GAH !  (insert RAGE)

I waddled up to the car, for some distance. (back to self pity)

When I calmed down I came back to the field, walked over to Brynn, stuffed my face into her neck and took a deep breath.  She turned around and licked my forehead - then yanked away because I was blocking her view of the sheep.. 

One thing always puts things into perspective - looking into the eyes of a dog. 


So, go to hell hormones.  I got dogs that love me even if I am a blind white haired weeping bitch of death. 

10 comments:

Diana said...

LOL, I can so relate to this. For me the vision thing is the worse. I needed longer arms so I can see. Ugh! Thank god for dogs. Who love us no matter what. Do you think that applies to husbands too? I sure hope so. Diana

sagechronicles said...

Mom says she OLD too and knows how you feel. What would we do without our dogs?

Corbin said...

My momma is going to be 26 in a few weeks and already in menopause (medically induced, for the second time in less than 2 years). Menopause is no fun, and she goes through horrible emotional fits... It's no fun. And she's got the white hair thing going on something aweful. I hope it becomes more manageable for you! (and my mom, bc her crying fits get my spirits down in the dumps too!)
-Corbin

Emma Rose said...

This too shall pass.....truly.
But for now - I feel your pain. I remember feeling like my body had declared war on me and I was stuck in the middle of a battlefield. Not fun. It requires a good sense of humor for sure :)

Hang in there!
Dyan

Kathy said...

Are you a Southpark fan?? I saw a reference to the Succubus. LOL

This getting older isn't all that it's cut out to be. Hope that this weekend is better for you. I already had to break down and get bifocals when I was in my mid-40's and have to wear my glasses more all the time.

Country Girl said...

Okay - what's my excuse? I'm 34... We had the WORST work last night. Poor Reba couldn't understand why I was loosing my marbles. Poor dogs...

Gotta love the beauties!

Pat A said...

In this post alone, you have described 3 symptoms of Hypothyroidism. This is common to come with the change of life for women and the most under diagnosed problem there is and of course about 85% of people with it are women. I am going to send you a copy of a news letter you can subscribe to about it. As long as I am taking Armour Thyroid, I have energy and can control my weight and my hair does not frizz as much. Sending info privately.

BudBlog said...

Tears are running down my face, I am laughing so hard. Really. I can soooo relate to all this. When I am hormone-crazed and doing something nonsensical (which is, unfortunately, quite often these days), my Border Collie will give me that quizzical, head-tilted look, turn around, and quickly go in the other direction. I do wish he could talk.

forensicfarmgirl said...

ROTFLMAO! I'm sorry, but I can soooo emphathize! I'm right there beside you!

I REALLY like the part about Brynn yanking away because you were blocking her view of the sheep! (Priceless!)

RYKER said...

Akkk, join the club girlfriend!
Thank G_d for the unconditional love we get from our pets...it is enough to get us going again. I like what Dyan said and hope it is true!!!
Sandy