Living with PTSD

Thank you to everyone who has written to me with support and questions.  I cannot thank you enough.  My purpose behind writing the post below was beneficial for me in many ways - mostly in that I refuse to live my life in hiding, or shame.    I have to admit when I hit publish and walked away I felt a sinking feeling in my stomach and a moment of "What have I done?" 

Then I asked myself, why should I feel shame?  Does a person feel shame when they break their leg?  Does a person hide behind closed doors when they have cancer?  MS?  Why does our society have such a stigma attached to people with mental illness?

"All people with PTSD have lived through a traumatic event that caused them to fear for their lives, see horrible things, and feel helpless. Strong emotions caused by the event create changes in the brain that may result in PTSD." - Dept of Veterans Affairs - National Center for PTSD

Why should you feel ashamed over something you could not control? 

I am not dying.  I am fully capable of being happy, and functioning on most days.  Other days, depending on the stress or stimuli I may experience what they call 'flooding' a flood of emotions, anxiety, panic, turmoil.  Those days are not my best. Only my family have witnessed those days because I do not leave the house.  I have not been out in public for several years alone.  If I am not with a dog, I am with a friend, child or my husband. 

A debilitating thing about PTSD is that you cannot control your reactions.  I have certain 'triggers' that will bring on a PTSD 'moment'.  For example:  yelling (or what I perceive as yelling), loud noises, being overwhelmed, sudden startle, being touched unexpectedly, someone behind me, fast unexpected movements in my peripheral vision, certain smells or locations.  I am learning how to control my reactions and anxiety level.

Many times though I am overcome by a feeling of being out of control, and I respond with anger or yell myself, but lately it has manifested in tears.  I simply cannot stop crying.  Believe it or not the crying is a good thing - finally the emotions are coming to the surface and over time I will begin to process them.  

I been learning how to control some of those reactions by identifying both the internal and external triggers.  It took a long time to even identify what was happening -  for years I did not have a clue about what was happening.  I felt intense shame, which only exacerbated the stress.   

Medication can help with the 'flooding'.  Therapy helps with the rest. When things get too much, I choose to walk away, to protect myself...it is the only thing I have left to do.

The best way to cope with a trigger is avoidance.  However, this is almost impossible to do. Why? Well, you cannot really avoid your thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations. Much of these are out of our control. In regard to external triggers, we can take some steps to manage our environment (for example, not going to certain places that we know will trigger us), but we cannot control everything that happens to us.

- Matthew Tull, PhD.

The best thing for a person struggling with PTSD is understanding, and acceptance, not judgement. 

I have PTSD.  I am not weak.  Shame is a barrier to healing. Shame isolates.  I am not ashamed and neither should any one else out there struggling with any type of emotional trauma or illness.  You are not alone.

To learn more about PTSD please visit:


Department of Veterans Affairs - What is PTSD

Out of the Bag...

A while back I mentioned on this blog that I might someday have the gumption to tell you why Brynn is my service dog.  So, here it is.  I have complex PSTD.  Among other things I experience debilitating social anxiety and a wicked case of agoraphobia.  Fear is my best friend & my cruel enemy. Many days go by that I am unable to leave the house. 

Brynn in her vest at the Emergency Room

PTSD is is 'flight or fight' in overdrive. I feel like an unlatched storm door being slammed open and shut by the wind, over and over again. I feel like a fox that is being relentlessly hunted, always wondering when the hounds will get me.  Sometimes it feels like an imaginary enemy is living my life and I am merely a spectator. 

To give you an idea of what it is like..

Have you ever had someone sneak up behind you, or hide behind something then scare the living crap out of you?  You are suddenly overwhelmed with fear - a momentary lapse of breath, every muscle in your body tightens, your heart skips a few beats, explosions of light behind your eyes, then your brain registers  TERROR!

Maybe you scream, lash out, or run.  After you realize you are not going to be hurt, the feeling subsides, you might giggle a bit....although the feeling usually lingers.

For me, I get that sensation hundreds of times a day.  If I allow it to rule my life I would be in huddled mess in the closet.  But I don't.  I refuse to allow it to control me anymore.   

I have been working through it with the help of an amazing therapist & a service dog.  The dogs have been the biggest help for me, more than any medication or therapy to this date.

 Brynn in her service vest in the ER watching my son get his nose set.

With my dogs I feel safe.  I can relax. It is not a matter of feeling like the dog will protect me, because I will never put them in that position - instead they allow me to step outside of my anxiety. 

"Dogs are very sensitive to escalations of mood. They can tell if a person's mood is starting to escalate to a panic attack," said Joan Esnayra, president and founder of the Psychiatric Service Dog Society.

"They can tell their handlers this well in advance, before the handler has lost their composure and lost their ability to think clearly."

Dogs also help people with mental illnesses devote attention to the needs of the dog instead of solely on themselves.

"Dogs give them an alternate focus," said Esnayra. "Going out of the house, for example, is for the dog. That displacement frees up the brain a little bit and reduces anxiety."

~ ABC News Health - Four Legged Relief for PTSD

The process of training my dogs on sheep has been a very personal journey.  I have learned a tremendous amount about myself and how I can begin to manage my anxiety and it provides me with an activity that gets me out of the house.

Along with the chronic anxiety comes a constant stream of self doubt and as you have read here, self deprecation. 

It is time for me to reverse some of the negative thoughts I have going through my head on the trial field.

• I can do this
• I have a good grasp on this and know what I am doing (in most cases)
• We deserve to be on the trial field
• We have worked hard and are ready
• I love the sheep & the dogs
• I love the people I have met along the way
• I love working with my dog in a partnership
• I love to see how happy they are, a fulfillment of their purpose

Believe it or not, I do enjoy trialing.  What frightens me is how I will handle my anxiety.

I know what is happening on the trial field with Brynn.  Brynn is trained to respond my anxiety level.  On the field, my anxiety threshold goes through the roof.  She responds in the only way she knows how....I believe she takes charge and tries to get us off the field as fast as possible.

My challenge - separate emotion from the work.  The biggest obstacle I face in training is : ME.  My own feelings, anxiety, anger, irritation, desire to appease the ego, frustration are all that stand in the way of my goal.    I diligently strive to identify why my anxiety is raising (perceived lack of control) and replace it with knowledge that I am in control.

It is, what it it.  Nothing more, nothing less and let the rest of the shit go by the wayside

For everything else, there is ice cream....and my best friend Atavan.