Thursday, June 23, 2011

Self-Assification & Other Nonsense

Not much in life is impossible.  

It may seem insurmountable and treacherous...

But what seemed impossible just moments before is easily achieved with a little help from our friends.  


Blah blah blah, nothing is impossible - yeah right.  Bite me.  

 I can tell you one thing that is absofukkinlutely IMPOSSIBLE....

It is impossible to work  your dog effectively when you are an emotional wreck. 
Yes, really.  It is impossible. 

Some days it is better to just turn and walk off the field, than to stand there 
and cry.  

Or yell...

Or just make a general ass out of yourself.  

"You visit Assland enough, you should buy the tee-shirt."  

Trust me, I am adept at Self-Assification.  Menopause & acute anxiety disorder seems to amplify this particular trait. 

I have been getting discouraged.  Feeling defeated.  Feeling inadequate & stupid.  Feeling like I should just quit. (insert whine and self piteous wailing here)

Yes, I know, negative thoughts will destroy me. 

I need to rise to the challenge, lift myself up by my bootstraps, 
get on with it, chin up...blah blah blah. 

I can do all that.  But I keep asking myself...WHY?  Why am I doing this?  Why am I busting my ass to work my dogs and trial?  

"I just wanna have fun..."

This is supposed to be fun, right?  Where did the fun go?  

I want the fun back.  It left, has anyone seen my fun lately?  
Please help me find it again.  I miss it.  

Being an ass is not fun, it is depressing. 

"That's okay, Camera Face, we love your fat ass anyway."

Some days, I want to watch my dog and not the sheep.  

I want to lose myself in her joy, her purpose, her passion.  

I want the awe back.  I want that thrill I feel every time she leaves my feet and runs hundreds of yards away and brings me sheep.  I don't want to constantly look at her with a critical eye, pick apart the outrun, lift, fetch, every single damn step she takes.  Stress out every time she is in contact with the sheep.  Panic when she is getting to close, moving to fast, slicing a flank.  

Really? Is it going to matter at the end of my life if we were just okay? 
What will matter, is the joy I found on the journey. 

 Joy in the journey.  Not trials and tribulations.  

Hopefully an good nights sleep will help me gain some perspective.  
Because this just ain't fun.


Laura Carson said...

I have very much been in that place myself - the place where it just isn't fun. I have taken a step back, and then walked back in there where the dog and I could work together and just... like you said... find the joy.

I find that I find my joy much more on the practical side of things, and much less on the trial side of things. I have a rule, too, that I don't work a dog that pisses me off if I'm already irritated. This has helped. A lot.

Creepy internet hugs to you, and hopes that you find your fun again.

Karen said...

Hope you got that good night's sleep, and it helped.

Finding the fun again....Hmmm, maybe back off the trialing a bit? Or the training for trialing?

Can you go out to Ronnie's or another farm and just work the sheep, you know, doing something that actually needs doing, moving sheep from one field to another...Like Laura said, the practical side. I know you've talked about some day having your own sheep farm.

Are there country fairs or other events where you and a few others can offer to do herding demos?
I love doing agility demos at things like that. The people love talking to you and watching your dog, and it's just FUN! No pressure to be perfect. Not that I take agility too seriously anyway, 'cause otherwise I wouldn't find it so much fun anymore.

Basically though, I think FUN is what you want to make it. Hoping you can figure out what your fun requirement is:)

Laura L. said...

I didn't enjoy trialing at all. Well, that's not exactly true, I enjoy setting sheep and working in the pen. I just don't want to be on the other end of the field. For a while I didn't even enjoy working on the farm. I took a break and now I love the work again. I live for the work on the farm. The satisfaction from getting it done makes up for a lot of other bad things in life.

Maybe take a break from the trialing. Even a short break from just working. Your life will change and go back to being good. It might only take a day.

I helped do a demo this spring (something I never wanted to do) and that turned out fine. I could probably be talked into doing it again. It helps to have another person with you to take turns-one talks while the other works. Zoe & I didn't do great, but it worked out. And since it was all city people who were just in awe that a dog could do that, they were impressed.

Give yourself a break, you are your own worst critic. And "creepy internet hugs" to you. (That's my laugh for the day!)

forensicfarmgirl said...

Years ago I had The Perfect Dog. I did everything with that dog. When he died he had so many titles that I couldn't remember them all. But I remember this: I came home from work that night, well after midnight. He had ALWAYS greeted me at the back gate. I remember distinctly that I would have given up every title, every award he ever earned, just to have him at the back gate one more time.

It is a lesson I never forgot. The joy is in the dog, not the game.

gvmama said...

I enjoy competition and trialing to a degree. But, it can't compare to the feeling I get when it is "just me and my dog." That's what it is all about for me.
Partnership, teaming up....sometimes trialing is a bit too mechanical and one misses the freedom that comes with just you and your dog. Hope that makes sense. :0)

Anonymous said...

"Just me and my dog." That's what it is all about"
"The joy is in the dog, not the game."

I like those two lines, remember them and all will be well.

pam said...

You have touched on a subject that we all in some degree have had to come to terms with. "Some days, I want to watch my dog and not the sheep.
I want to lose myself in her joy, her purpose, her passion."
There in those words is the reason I keep going back and continue learning the hardest thing I have ever learned. By the way Emmy sends you licks.

RYKER said...

I have never enjoyed competitive sports. I just don't like it. As far as sports or dog sports go fun has to come first. That is one of the pure things I just love about my dog, he just wants to have fun. What's not to love about that?

Anonymous said...

Beautiful shots of your BC's, may i ask what kind of camera you use?