Friday, November 13, 2009

Randomness & Major Depressive Episode

I am starting to resent this blog just a smidgen.  Ever have one of those things that you feel like you have to do...then it stops being fun?  Well, my blog is starting to feel that way.

Some days the dogs annoy me too.  YES, really!  

Something in your life isn't working correctly when you have to think twice about going shopping or going to see a movie - because the dogs will be left alone.  Say what?  What is wrong with me?  They are not two year old children and no one is going to call Dog Protective Services if I leave them alone for a few hours. 

This month marks a year that I have been effectively unemployed.  I never thought I would say this...but for a person who has never had to struggle to find a job before - this has been difficult.  While I do not actually want to go back to work full-time (who would?) -  I find that I am fiercely lonely and feel progressively worthless about my contribution to society.  Which in turn makes me a grumpy, discouraged, depressed person.  I don't like this..and my husband certainly does not like it when he comes home from work and I pick at him.  I am jealous of his job.  Go figure?  I miss people...

I need psychiatric help apparently - but who can afford it?  I would rather spend that money for sheep time at Fido's, communing with livestock & my dogs.   

Then again, if I was actually any good at this whole sheep herding thing...then I might be getting more satisfaction out of it.  The longer I do this the more frustrated I am becoming.  Perhaps I am lacking the elusive 'sheep herding' gene and this will always be a struggle for me?  I don't know...

The whole weight-loss effort?  That has gone to hell in a bag of Cheetos.  All the weight I lost...found my arse again...also my stomach, thighs and hips.  Oddly enough distributed completely different than before I started this.   Who would have guessed? 

If that isn't enough...I look in the mirror and see a head full of gray hair (thanks Mom) and today I found a two inch long hair growing out of the side of my neck.  Who put that there?   Why? 

The intent of this blog started as way to chronicle the lives of my dogs.  But I find that I enjoy more things in life than just my dogs and....gasp....sheep. 

There is much more to my life than four legged furry creatures with teeth.

There are my two legged furry creatures with teeth.  We have five of them.  The other worthwhile things in my life are my art, cooking and other creative endeavors.

So this blog is going to get a bit of a makeover in the coming months.  You will have to bear with me if I decide to write about things other than my dogs.  Such as cooking & recipes, painting, designing and photography. 

I will be posting pictures again at some point.  That is...when I am able to get back on my husband's computer.  The one with the photo editing software.   Why can't I get on the computer?  Because I am a Farm Town widow.  Serves me right for starting his farm just so I could get another neighbor. 

I am hoping to get a post written about a day Vicki and I spent with Cindy.  Three women, sheep and 13 border collies.  What a day.

Cindy and I rode the ferry to Vashon Island Wednesday to work with Maggie McClure.  We both had fantastic sessions with our dogs.  Maggie is wonderful.   Beth absolutely adored her.  At some point I will post pictures from that trip - once I am done editing them.  

Tomorrow I have Beth entered in another winter series trial at the MacDonalds in Longbranch (barring any unforeseen events which force me to miss it).  According to the news, the weather is supposed to hold out before the snow, wind and rain hit us full force in the evening.  Ugh...I hate living in the Pacific Northwest sometimes - the rain is going to be the death of me. 

I have decided what camera I am going to buy  Canon EOS 50D.   Correction:  this is the camera my husband is buying me for Christmas (right honey?).

I am a mere shell of a person without this camera.  This camera will complete me.

Truthfully, it will help.  I am enrolled in a Photography and  Adobe Photo-shop courses at our local community college beginning in January.  I can't wait to use my brain again - for something unrelated to dogs, children, or food.

11 comments:

Emma Rose said...

Thank you for being so candid. I have found that I too have been "fiercely lonely" over the past year. We laid off the only other female at my office and since then I have had no one to talk to. (the guys don't count). It's really hard to go to work, but even harder to think what would happen if I didn't have a job to go to.

A while back you did a post with Brynn standing on a drawing of a bear. I believe she was chewing up one of your paint brushes. I was, and still am intrigued about that drawing. It looked like a pro had drawn it. I am a decorative painter and would love to read some posts about your art. You are a special person - truly - and I feel so fortunate to have met you and spent an afternoon together. I hope someday we can do it again.

amyinbc said...

How wonderful you have enrolled in some classes that will inspire you, this also unemployed woman for a year admires the step you are taking.

Good for you and will enjoy reading about your adventures with the dogs, family and your learnings at school.

Sounds like a great next step for you :)

Debra Kay said...

I hope you write about all the above and I'm glad I found this blog. We have a lot in common-border collies, blogging, art, photography and the whole mid life crisis thing.

Stop by and see me some time.

sheepkelpie said...

Chicklet, Being without a job is tough, and I think it's tough because there is spare time. Time to think about what's wrong. Time to circle think things to death, that is what I do. If you notice my blog, I put stuff about me, and my dogs, I had to. You need balance in your life. We would all love to hear about your other interests, so please, tell!

If you *really* want to go back to work, then you could work in a department store, OR you could market your artwork...

It's seriously okay to be depressed, once in a while. Please know that we all know there is more to you than dogs, and we want to hear about it.

You know what my word verification was today? AWMCRY, which I took to mean "all women cry"... Which, we all do.

BCxFour said...

Diane-thank you for your words. I read them last night before I went to bed and they made me smile. About the picture of the bear. It is still here, pinned on the wall looking at me and soon will tell me what medium & surface he will be painted on. He needs to wait a bit, because I have to figure out who he will be sitting with. I guess you could call me a professional artist of sorts. If you are a decorative painter you may have one of my books. My pen name is "Carolyn Altona" and the books I wrote are called "Heart of the Home". Three volumes. Published years ago. If you google my name you can find volume 3 is still for sale. Kids and life got in the way of my artwork and prevented any further forays into marketing my art. But I have recently licensed most of my designs for the import market. It wont pay anything for up to 12 months - so we will see what happens there.

Also, I can empathize about working in an office alone. I did that for a few years as the only woman at a small environmental compliance firm, I thought I was going to go insane. Then I moved to a huge engineering firm - and found myself stuck in a cube alone for hours and hours on end. Same sh*t different place.

BCxFour said...

Julie - you made me cry when I saw the word verification. You are right...we all do cry. I dont think I cry enough. Thank you for your sweet words.

Amy - thank you for your words and I think your email last night (I will be answering that separately). I am looking forward to sharing more than just my dogs with you.

Debra Kay - I just popped into your blog and a few of the pictures cracked me up! I look forward to reading more!

LauraK said...

I love reading your blog, you have such a great sense of humor :) And all of your dogs are absolutely beautiful, they make me want to consider a BC as my next dog (and maybe get addicted to sheep herding like I am agility!)

I am right there with you on the whole unemployed thing and feeling worthless to society- last month was the month that marked a year for me moving back in with my parents and being unemployed. While I love living with my parents, no college graduate wants to be unemployed their first year out of college and feel like their education did them no good. I guess we all have to hang in there, but I know how you feel!

Paws on the Run said...

You never need to explain what you write on your blog and why. Your blog is for you, not us. We are just along for the ride and appreciate being allowed to just travel along beside you.

Congratulations on the new camera. (Personally, I'm eying up the new 7D.) I hope it allows you to focus your creative juices into positive energy. I know I'm looking forward to seeing the results! ;)

Monique said...

Carolyn,

Anything you want to write about is what we want to read about - because we like YOU... not your blog and not your dogs (though your dogs are awesome.)

Funny enough, we all have lives outside our dogs, right? I understand what you mean about the job thing. If you want to drive to Mercer Island 2 Saturdays a month you can work in the vet clinic as a receptionist ;)

PoochesForPeace said...

I don't like to give advice or say "do this-do that" because the truth is you've probably already thought about what you'd like to try to do, or what would help or what wouldn't. You know what options you'd like to choose from, what would be a good or bad job or club to be a part of, and the different ways in which to be around different people. If nothing has worked out so far it's just because you haven't found "it" yet. There's always a reason why some things work out and some things don't. But I will say I'm always happy to read your blog, no matter what it's about. Sometimes the best thing we can do is just write, about dogs, or food, or art, or everything or nothing at all. Just write whatever your thinking- I've always enjoyed reading your blog and will continue to do so.

Christopher said...

Good choice on the camera. That's exactly the one I'd put my money on.

Don't forget the 50mm.