Thursday, May 21, 2009

Aspiring Loser

I am fat.

No more hiding it with control top pantyhose or good ole fashioned elastic 'suck-em-in' undies. When your upper arms are almost as big as your waist - that should be a reality check. When your tummy sticks out further than the 'girls'- whoa Nelly, time to see Jenny Craig.

Reality came home to roost the other night when we were out with the dogs.

John, my lovely thinner husband (I hate him & his metabolism) was snapping pictures. As usual I kept shrieking in my fishwife tone "DON'T GET ME IN THE PICTURE!" I hate my picture being taken, it is like being slapped in the face with an old smelly shoe - distastefully unpleasant.

The next day when I was reviewing the pictures that were taken, looking for good ones of the dogs....I found this



My husband clearly was not listening to the shrieking about not getting me in the shots. Either he is a terrible photographer or he was trying to send me a message (that he will pay for later). What other purpose is there for these pictures?

Beyond displaying my questionable fashion choices?



He doesn't know it yet, but he is a dead man.



I look like the Michelin Tire Man with boobs



*shudder*

This isn't a surprise. I am not completely blind and we have mirrors in the house.

How did this happen? I quit smoking last year (viola - 50 lb gain). Stress in my life is triggering some out of control emotional eating (I can blame another 50 lbs on that). Since I became unemployed - woohooo slap another 25 lbs on my hips.

Bottom line (ahem, correction: very LARGE bottom-line) - this happened because I have shoved more calories in my mouth than my body has burned. WOOHOO! Light bulb moment there huh? 'Doh!

The perplexing thing is... something about being heavy has been emotionally working for me to this point. Why else would I have allowed this to happen?

I need to lose an entire person. Sweet...maybe I feel like I dont have enough friends, so I haul one around with me every day? WTF kind of thinking is that?

It makes me think of that Oprah Winfrey episode after she lost all her weight (the first time) and she hauled that huge wagon full of fat onto the stage.


Every time I climb out of bed, go for a walk, get out of my chair...anything - I am schlepping all of that with me.

The reality is, how can I train my dogs adequately when I am so fat I can barely bend over to tie my shoes?

--I need the energy to chase them around the field.

--I need to know that if I fall I can get back up again (important in fields full of manure)

--I want to walk without pain (arthritis & plantar fasciitis can bite my overly large butt)

--I really want to see the tops of my thighs again (other than in a mirror)

--I don't want to feel disabled by my weight (airplanes are the WORST!)

--I want to wear cute rain gear - not the extra large size roofing tarp I wore this winter

--I want to feel good about myself (I never really have....ever).

--I want to live a nice long life.

How am I going to accomplish this? Egads.... (insert panic attack here). I have NEVER been on a diet in my life. I also have never joined any type of fitness club. Just going into those places was like sticking my hand in boiling water - stupid & incredibly painful.

I know I need more exercise in a safe nurturing environment - preferably without men present.

So... this morning I joined 'Curves'. I have committed myself to going three days a week. Curves is only 1.5 miles from my house & very easy to get to. I also signed up for a weight loss program and the first class is next Saturday

Today I went shopping for good sensible food. Tomorrow I clean out the pantry and fridge and make out the menu for the next week.

I am making baby steps that hopefully will some day enable me to run ... because if I tried to run now I would kill myself.

17 comments:

Emma Rose said...

I am right there with you! I quit smoking 7 weeks ago and have watched in horror as the pounds keep adding up. It's nice to know I am not alone - nice for me, not for you :) You can feel proud of yourself that you have taken the first steps to making the changes you want. I am not going down without a fight either. I will fight this weight gain with every breath (gasp) I take! I now have only one pair of jeans I can wear and very few tops. IT'S WAR! LET'S DO IT!!!

Keep us posted on your progress. You've got friends out here.

The Duchess (from Emma's blog)

Ann said...

Oprah was ever really that thin??? Really??

Go for it, Carolynn!!

PoochesForPeace said...

Writing down what you eat and the nutritional values can help too- helps keep that bewildered feeling at bay sometimes because you can physically see progress and keep track. Exercising and healthier foods is good for your mental health too! So it's not just physical, but what is good for your mind, thoughts, and feelings as well!

Gennasus said...

This is all so familiar! Mind you, I don't have the giving up smoking excuse, I just know that I am taking in more of the bad calories than I am burning up. I have resolved to do more exercise.

As for the photos, I'm with you there. Luckily I am nearly always behind the camera. Any that slip through the net are soon found and deleted. My husband says that when I'm gone, nobody will know what I looked like because there'll be no photos of me. It's a slight exaggeration, the odd one does actually make it past scrutiny.......soft focus helps!

sheepkelpie said...

Good for you- but just take it not as a means to an end, but a life long journey. It's about changing your life for better- and you should be happy as you do it, or it won't work. As to healthier meals- cut out all refined foods- and you will see a huge change right away.

I have lost some weight and I eat steak and potatoes twice a week, and other normal meals on the other days.

Anyway, I am with you and just remember, it's a life change, not a weight change :)

Suzuki said...

Good luck!
My Mummy is on a program called Cohens. They are furry good :)
Big licks to you
Suzuki
xxx

Sarah said...

good for you!!!!! good luck on your journey, i know people who have done the curves program it like sounds great one, you go girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i second what Ann said - Oprah was that thin!?

An English Shepherd said...

Good luck with the diet :-)

Wizz

The Border Collies said...

Good for you! I put on about 15lbs when I quite smoking - actually, I didn't. I didn't put on those pounds until I quit RUNNING about 7 months after I quit smoking. But it's just being sedentary that does it for me - I found I could eat as I wanted as long as I cycled every day and ran 3 times a week. I'm going to get back on that horse too! I pick up my new treadmill this weekend!

Andrea said...

I'm with you too! I always feel a bit hypocritical owning this wonderful Border Collie athlete and looking the way I do. Good for you...you are taking some fantastic steps in the right direction...I know you can do it! Looking forward to your progress!

fulltiltbcs said...

I hear ya!!! Just started eating better myself and walking and adding running!!! YOU GO GIRL!

laurie said...

fortunately, our dogs love us no matter what we look like. so as we work on our weight, we get that great positive reinforcement of their adoring gazes.

and CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU on quitting smoking. wow! that's great. too bad about the weight gain, but if you had the fortitude to conquer cigarettes, you'll do fine getting rid of the weight, too. one step at a time, and you took the most important one.

might i also recommend weight watchers online? i lost 14 pounds last year by monitoring my weight and food intake online (it costs about $17 a month, i think). i also started exercising regularly using the elliptical trainer that was gathering dust in our basement. i hit on the brilliant idea of watching videos, 20 minutes at a time, while i exercised. wanting to get back to the movie made me get back to exercising.

i wrote about it on my blog here.

Raising Addie said...

You go girl!!!

You have our total support!

My husband and I have been dieting since April. We both need to get extra weight off. He is more committed than I am.

I am a stress eater. He was close to death with a health issue 2 years ago and placed on massive Steroids. Side effect, weight gain.

Congrats on joining curves! My best friend at work joined curves and she loves it!

We walk every day. We started at a mile, then added another. Next month we will be at three miles.

The way you are doing it is best. Eat right and exercise.

Good Luck and don't let anything stop you!!

Staci

Tristan - I'm a Heavenly King said...

You go girl! As they say acknowledging is the first step. As long as you put your mind to it, I'm sure you'll deflate the Michelin man in time to come! :)

Laura Carson said...

You can do this! We're all right here cheering you on. I've been where you are now, and I'm so feeling this post.

Samantha ~ Holly and Zac ~ said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Samantha ~ Holly and Zac ~ said...

**Sorry, i deleted the other comment, it didn't read right so i have copied it and edited it a bit. I have had pc problems today so i typed quick and didn't check it properly.**


I am doing my catching up with blogs rounds and am a bit later seeing this.

I know how you feel though, i too have put on some weight this past year or so. Mine is not through smoking but through eating too much.

Photo's are the worst thing to see sometimes. I know how i look in the mirror and i am not happy with it but when i see pix of me i get so critical. I think we pick out bits of ourselves on pix that we are not happy with that other people who look at the same pix don't notice, or not as much. ( I hope that makes sense..lol)

I saw some pix of me this past couple of weeks and i didn't like what i saw. It has made me try and change, get more active and not eat as much.
That is my big downfall.. i enjoy eating and i know i eat too much but it is easier said than done to cut back on the things you like.


Anyway i will add to the others..good for you, keep us posted with how it goes. :-)